• 3| Winter Music Recital & the Portal to Lansing, MI

    19 MAG 2024 · A portal to Lansing, Michigan caused the cafeteria to burn down. Bobby Warner is transferring to Grindlewald but not because of the fire, I swear. Billy Turner was a great mascot. Was. Thank you to Duraflame for sponsoring our fair school in this time of need! Try to avoid Principal Fendleton and her ruthless high fives in the hallways. Verbally-taught guitar lessons are back! Aluminumb lyrics: Deep underground you have mined into me Bound for the furnace, Brought up to the surface I don't know what you're extracting from me Put under the pressure, And made into metal boots Fought in the Thunderdome, just fought in the Thunderdome Every swing that you take is a dented mistake, you fool Clot in the Thunderdome, blood clot in the Thunderdome I'm aluminumb, I can't steel you there Become so iron, so much metal ware I've become tarnished, alloy want to do Is be murcury, poisonous to you Can't you see when you're smelting with me Your molding's too tight, you're about to spill the flow 'Cause every ting that you wrought into me Has dulled all my parts, right in front of you Lost in the Thunderdome, arm lost in the Thunderdome Every parry they make is deflected right back at you Law in the Thunderdome, one law in the Thunderdome And once you're dead they'll remake me into a rake I'm aluminumb, I can't steel you there Become so iron, so much metal ware I've become tarnished, alloy want to do Is be more Ag, and be less Au And I know I may end up breaking in two And I know Your ass is just like mine with someone hammering your behind I'm aluminumb, I can't steel you there Become so iron, so much metal ware I've become tarnished, alloy want to do Is be foiled like tin, and roll away from you
    19 min. 16 sec.
  • 2| Spirit Week & Zipper Awareness

    19 APR 2024 · Did you hear what happened to Garfield the Bottlenose Dolphin? I don't think I'll ever get over that one. Spirit week is here! Don't go into the teacher's lounge on Wednesday. Look out FOR but don't look AT the escaped specimens as well as the hooded figures hunting them. This month's newsletter is in memory of Tyler Lockhart.  Creep (Half the Man I Used to Be) lyrics: I mowed my lawn that day, when I saw a rake I stepped onto the field, to remove the tool concealed I waved at my neighbor, Dutch, then I heard the pop of a clutch With my face down in a weed, my mower made a meal of me In no time it wounded my hands and took half my spleen But it took time to grind my bones into a fine white meal I called for help, waving both my hands, But one got caught inside the mower wheel I'm half the man I used to be This I feel as my vision fades to grey I'm half the man I used to be Losing feeling in my extremeties I'm half the man I used to be Wish I'd kneeled instead of laid down by the rake Well I'm half the man I used to be Half the man I used to be Feeling half expired, I turned into a crier Tried to stand on up, but fell on account of my stump Dutch don't hear me shriek, I wish a neighbor would just creep Won't someone find me, until then I'll lie in my pee I got a pirate hand, 'cause I like to steal They hate me in RPGs, 'cause I can't fight and heal Take time with my hook hand, 'cause it likes to feel, it likes to OH GOD THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE I'm half the man I used to be I still reel whenever I see a rake I'm half the man I used to be On halloween I match my hook with a peg leg I'm half the man I used to be I fly for cheap in my friend's carry-on duffle bag I'm half the man I used to be Half the man I used to be While I took time to heal my glands, I watched a lot of TV Rick Grimes let things get out of hand, and T-Dog became a meal Rick's son shot his bitten mom, and made him cry out in pain "Carl that kills people!" I'm half the man I used to be My hook hand's sharpened steel affects my dating game I'm half the man I used to be Copping a feel only ever seems to maim I'm half the man I used to be I got the role in a Batman porno as Two-Face Well I'm half the man I used to be I'm half the man I used to be I'm half the man I used to be
    18 min. 24 sec.
  • 1| 67th Annual Milk-Chugging Contest

    23 MAR 2024 · Did you hear what happened to Larry the Crocodile? It was so tragic. Don't forget to fill your kid's backpack with milk for the contest! Picture day approaches—remember what we talked about. Don't go into the teacher's lounge. I'm sorry, but did you just say the kindergarten classroom caught fire again? Dammit, I owe Mr. Stanovich twenty bucks.  Chasin' Girls lyrics: It started out, just a hobby Chasin' teenage girls through a darkened alley I'd laugh, and they'd shriek It was the funnest game of hide-and-seek Minutes passed, I wouldn't hear a peep Hiding by the dumpster with my machete Until I would hear her cellphone ring I'd say, "You can run, but you won't get far You wanna know how I got this scar?" She'd scream and try to unlock her car Chasin' girls, what a job Wanna sniff them and sleep in their bed with them Suck their toes and cut their curls Chasin' girls, great to catch, hard to hold Wondering how you got into their home I climbed in through the attic window Chasin' girls Caught my breath, and got a look At a teenage heartthrob in a coffee shop Standing there, I could see, my girl chasin' days were just beginning And then she handed me a black coffee I said, "Tell me, tell me where's the sugar and cream? And can you give your home address to me?" And now it's: I see you hidin' behind the couch I wanna cottonswab the inside of your mouth Let's get married, I already wrote my vows Chasin' girls, I'm alive There is nothing more exhilarating Than watching them run around in circles Chasin' girls, break the latch To her room, in the lighting of the moon Watch her in silence and say, "Soon." Chasin' girls When you wake up from this nightmare Feeling safe as you can be I'll burst through your closet door And chase you into the street Oh no, yeah Chasin' girls, I play fetch They're the bone, as I dig them their own hole They're the Pokemon of my world Chasin' girls Chasin' girls
    14 min. 48 sec.

Jambalaya is exactly how you remember life at your own school—the school mascot died sort of tragically, and then so did the next mascot; 4th grade recess devolved into a...

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Jambalaya is exactly how you remember life at your own school—the school mascot died sort of tragically, and then so did the next mascot; 4th grade recess devolved into a gang war, fulfilling an ancient prophecy etched into the bottom of the playground slide; the kindergarten classroom caught fire, marking the 8th year-in-a-row—the usual stuff you repressed from your chilhood. Updates from Jambalaya come monthly in the form of a written newsletter that is then read aloud to listeners keeping up on everything Jambalaya. 
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