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Jambalaya is exactly how you remember life at your own school—the school mascot died sort of tragically, and then so did the next mascot; 4th grade recess devolved into a...
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Jambalaya is exactly how you remember life at your own school—the school mascot died sort of tragically, and then so did the next mascot; 4th grade recess devolved into a gang war, fulfilling an ancient prophecy etched into the bottom of the playground slide; the kindergarten classroom caught fire, marking the 8th year-in-a-row—the usual stuff you repressed from your chilhood. Updates from Jambalaya come monthly in the form of a written newsletter that is then read aloud to listeners keeping up on everything Jambalaya.
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Jambalaya School Newsletter
Jambalaya School Newsletter
5| Bus Jousting & Budget Cuts
21 LUG 2024 · Joseph Wheeler, our thought-to-be-lost school mascot, has returned and now rules the playground with an iron fist (Hulk Hands). School bus jousting is here again, even though two people died last year. Budget cuts saw our janitorial staff laid off—even the cute janitor we all like. But Jambalaya is opening its long-closed high school wing of our building! Yes, Vice Principal Fendleton is still consuming an unsafe amount of testosterone supplements. This month's song is Bach Against the Wall, a parody of Cage the Elephant. Lyrics: Tonight I'll have a seat and try to write this verse again. Buried beneath this powdered wig, some fleas get settled in. My second cousin then shows me her two cantatas. Behind the harpsichord we've fallen to the floor. Maria's got me by my organ again and I'm about to com...pose a sonata all over her clavichord. I'm stuck here in between two Ds that seem a little flat. I wanna get away—I need to get away......A shake so violent that it wakes me from such peaceful sleep. Turn to my wife to see her Handel-ing my textured suite. Pull back the sheets and take a look into her eyes. A sudden crescendo explodes with a surprise. And now she's got my my pants around my ankles so I can't run again. I'm halfway off the bed but can't reach my violin. I'm stuck here in between this orchestrated pleasuring. I need to get away, but there is no escape......Now, you know, yeah you've got this Bach against the wall. Oh my, I ain't got no other time to write...these fugues. This koncertmeister's running for the hall. So long—you can't keep this Bach against the wall......Out in the countryside with my homeboy Prince Leopold. A messenger exclaims my wife has died—she caught a cold. In disbelief I flee and bump into a fellow. It's a young girl who says she wants to play my cello. Now she calls me to her chambers, and I can't keep my wig on straight. I try to write preludes, but she keeps mailing me nudes. I wanna play my lute, but Anna's in her birthday suit. I go to take a walk, and she says, "YOU'LL BE BACH!" Now, you know, yeah you've got this Bach against the wall. Behave! I bet Vivaldi's turning in his grave. For now, this kappellmeister's living in your thrall. Such woe, again, you've got this Bach against the wall. You know, I was a tenor. Now I'm sopranoooooooo. I know you'll always have this Bach against the wall.
Esplicito
4| Lost & Found, 4th Grade Gang War, Minions
23 GIU 2024 · Joseph Wheeler, the new mascot, is MIA. On top of that the 4th graders had a gang war. It happens. It's possible that the hall monitor was involved. But good news; we have the license to use Minions in Jambalaya School plays! The school is being remodeled. The teachers' lounge is not being remodeled, though. Nor will it ever. EVER. I went through the lost & found pile and SHEESH there's some weird stuff in there. Stop hiding milk in the lockers!
Safe Space Jam lyrics
Everybody get up, it's time to commence
Sentences that start by saying 'no offense'
Welcome to safe space jam
It's your moment, I won't foment, at safe space jam, alright
Come on and respectfully slam
And welcome to the all-inclusive jam.
Hey, you, whatcha gon' do?
I know it's not my business to
Know what you gonna do
I'll shut my mouth and not assume
Trigger warnings in the house, let's go
I'm a gender neutral ally, yo
Pass that thing, watch me respect
Treat me the same, that's what I expect
To the jam, give you some space
Call you ma'am, but try to save face
Apologize up and down the room
I've been woke since I left the womb
So work that body, sell that body, just don't disrespect nobody
Scroll through Tumblr, lose your mind
Demand justice from those you find
Hey, Admin, check it out
SJW scream and shout
Come on, y'all check out my page, it's a blank screen so you can't rage
Everybody get up, unless you're chair-bound
You can stay seated or rolling now, welcome to safe space jam
It's your chance for wheelchair ramps, at safe space jam, alright
Wave your paws in the air if your fursona's feline,
We got a litter box scented pine
Welcome to Safe Space Jam
It's your chance for Facebook rants at Safe Space Jam, alright
Slam bam, thank you, person,
I don't assume genders--damn
If you see me in the Twitter-sphere, let me opine in your ear
(Tweet!) C'mon c'mon let's start a thread
(Tweet!) Vegans, normies, let's break bread
(Tweet!) Comment below, speak your mind
(Tweet!) Just bring the facts before you whine
(Just scroll!) Just scroll up and down my page
(Just scroll!) You don't have to act your age
Anime girl as my profile pic, please take the time to read my fan-fic
(Jam on it!) Jam on my toast
(Jam on it!) Jam between my toes
If you got pics of your feet n' hands, feel free to advertise your OnlyFans
Everybody get up, unless you're obese
Wipe the perspiration in your belly crease
And log in to Safe Space Jam
Find romance in stretchy pants at Safe Space Jam, alright
Wave your hands to and fro- if-your-self-esteem-is-low
[Pause on first beat]Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself
Welcome to safe space jam
Go with grace, move your pace
At safe space jam, alright
Hey non-binaries! (Yeah)
Y'all ready to stop? (No)
Y'all wanna know why? (Why)
IT'S TIME TO SLAM JAM
Hey gender fluids! (Yeah)
Y'all ready to stop? (No)
Y'all wanna know why? (Why)
IT'S TIME TO SLAM JAM
Hey anxiety-ridden people! (What now)
Y'all ready to stop? (Please don't make me decide)
Y'all wanna know why? (I regret waking up today)
It's time to SLAM JAM
Hey deaf people!
Y'all ready to stop?
Y'all wanna know why?
It's time to SLAM JAM
Every body get up, (in talking voice) it's just about time to slam
We got a real jam going now, and you don't want to be stuck in the consessions line while this thing is going on. It's your chance...to find your seat. And enjoy the safe space jam. We went to a LOT of trouble putting this on.
Aaand i think you would be remiss if a salted pretzel accompanied by yellow #5 cheese...made you miss it.
I'm just saying.
Respectfully.
3| Winter Music Recital & the Portal to Lansing, MI
19 MAG 2024 · A portal to Lansing, Michigan caused the cafeteria to burn down. Bobby Warner is transferring to Grindlewald but not because of the fire, I swear. Billy Turner was a great mascot. Was. Thank you to Duraflame for sponsoring our fair school in this time of need! Try to avoid Principal Fendleton and her ruthless high fives in the hallways. Verbally-taught guitar lessons are back!
Aluminumb lyrics:
Deep underground you have mined into me
Bound for the furnace, Brought up to the surface
I don't know what you're extracting from me
Put under the pressure, And made into metal boots
Fought in the Thunderdome, just fought in the Thunderdome
Every swing that you take is a dented mistake, you fool
Clot in the Thunderdome, blood clot in the Thunderdome
I'm aluminumb, I can't steel you there
Become so iron, so much metal ware
I've become tarnished, alloy want to do
Is be murcury, poisonous to you
Can't you see when you're smelting with me
Your molding's too tight, you're about to spill the flow
'Cause every ting that you wrought into me
Has dulled all my parts, right in front of you
Lost in the Thunderdome, arm lost in the Thunderdome
Every parry they make is deflected right back at you
Law in the Thunderdome, one law in the Thunderdome
And once you're dead they'll remake me into a rake
I'm aluminumb, I can't steel you there
Become so iron, so much metal ware
I've become tarnished, alloy want to do
Is be more Ag, and be less Au
And I know
I may end up breaking in two
And I know
Your ass is just like mine with someone hammering your behind
I'm aluminumb, I can't steel you there
Become so iron, so much metal ware
I've become tarnished, alloy want to do
Is be foiled like tin, and roll away from you
2| Spirit Week & Zipper Awareness
19 APR 2024 · Did you hear what happened to Garfield the Bottlenose Dolphin? I don't think I'll ever get over that one. Spirit week is here! Don't go into the teacher's lounge on Wednesday. Look out FOR but don't look AT the escaped specimens as well as the hooded figures hunting them. This month's newsletter is in memory of Tyler Lockhart.
Creep (Half the Man I Used to Be) lyrics:
I mowed my lawn that day, when I saw a rake
I stepped onto the field, to remove the tool concealed
I waved at my neighbor, Dutch, then I heard the pop of a clutch
With my face down in a weed, my mower made a meal of me
In no time it wounded my hands and took half my spleen
But it took time to grind my bones into a fine white meal
I called for help, waving both my hands,
But one got caught inside the mower wheel
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as my vision fades to grey
I'm half the man I used to be
Losing feeling in my extremeties
I'm half the man I used to be
Wish I'd kneeled instead of laid down by the rake
Well I'm half the man I used to be
Half the man I used to be
Feeling half expired, I turned into a crier
Tried to stand on up, but fell on account of my stump
Dutch don't hear me shriek, I wish a neighbor would just creep
Won't someone find me, until then I'll lie in my pee
I got a pirate hand, 'cause I like to steal
They hate me in RPGs, 'cause I can't fight and heal
Take time with my hook hand, 'cause it likes to feel, it likes to OH GOD THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE
I'm half the man I used to be
I still reel whenever I see a rake
I'm half the man I used to be
On halloween I match my hook with a peg leg
I'm half the man I used to be
I fly for cheap in my friend's carry-on duffle bag
I'm half the man I used to be
Half the man I used to be
While I took time to heal my glands, I watched a lot of TV
Rick Grimes let things get out of hand, and T-Dog became a meal
Rick's son shot his bitten mom, and made him cry out in pain
"Carl that kills people!"
I'm half the man I used to be
My hook hand's sharpened steel affects my dating game
I'm half the man I used to be
Copping a feel only ever seems to maim
I'm half the man I used to be
I got the role in a Batman porno as Two-Face
Well I'm half the man I used to be
I'm half the man I used to be
I'm half the man I used to be
1| 67th Annual Milk-Chugging Contest
23 MAR 2024 · Did you hear what happened to Larry the Crocodile? It was so tragic. Don't forget to fill your kid's backpack with milk for the contest! Picture day approaches—remember what we talked about. Don't go into the teacher's lounge. I'm sorry, but did you just say the kindergarten classroom caught fire again? Dammit, I owe Mr. Stanovich twenty bucks.
Chasin' Girls lyrics:
It started out, just a hobby
Chasin' teenage girls through a darkened alley
I'd laugh, and they'd shriek
It was the funnest game of hide-and-seek
Minutes passed, I wouldn't hear a peep
Hiding by the dumpster with my machete
Until I would hear her cellphone ring
I'd say, "You can run, but you won't get far
You wanna know how I got this scar?"
She'd scream and try to unlock her car
Chasin' girls, what a job
Wanna sniff them and sleep in their bed with them
Suck their toes and cut their curls
Chasin' girls, great to catch, hard to hold
Wondering how you got into their home
I climbed in through the attic window
Chasin' girls
Caught my breath, and got a look
At a teenage heartthrob in a coffee shop
Standing there, I could see, my girl chasin' days were just beginning
And then she handed me a black coffee
I said, "Tell me, tell me where's the sugar and cream?
And can you give your home address to me?"
And now it's: I see you hidin' behind the couch
I wanna cottonswab the inside of your mouth
Let's get married, I already wrote my vows
Chasin' girls, I'm alive
There is nothing more exhilarating
Than watching them run around in circles
Chasin' girls, break the latch
To her room, in the lighting of the moon
Watch her in silence and say, "Soon."
Chasin' girls
When you wake up from this nightmare
Feeling safe as you can be
I'll burst through your closet door
And chase you into the street
Oh no, yeah
Chasin' girls, I play fetch
They're the bone, as I dig them their own hole
They're the Pokemon of my world
Chasin' girls
Chasin' girls
Jambalaya is exactly how you remember life at your own school—the school mascot died sort of tragically, and then so did the next mascot; 4th grade recess devolved into a...
mostra di più
Jambalaya is exactly how you remember life at your own school—the school mascot died sort of tragically, and then so did the next mascot; 4th grade recess devolved into a gang war, fulfilling an ancient prophecy etched into the bottom of the playground slide; the kindergarten classroom caught fire, marking the 8th year-in-a-row—the usual stuff you repressed from your chilhood. Updates from Jambalaya come monthly in the form of a written newsletter that is then read aloud to listeners keeping up on everything Jambalaya.
mostra meno
Informazioni
| Autore | The Impotent Satyr |
| Organizzazione | The Impotent Satyr |
| Categorie | Commedia |
| Sito | - |
| vegdan69@gmail.com |
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