17 MAG 2024 · Washburn County Public School District Town Hall Meeting with Superintendent Rogers: Tuesday 6pm All right! Hey, look at this, you were all able to locate the meeting, even though we changed the date several times and really buried the livestream link. Great! Impossibly great. Let's get started. Thank you teachers, students, parents, bus drivers, members of the press, infrastructural hobbyists, internet voyeurs, casual enthusiasts of lighthearted catastrophes, and the mercilessly vocal national and international public for attending this hybrid online and in-person Washburn County Public School meeting. Here we… all… are. Great. As Superintendent, preparer of the county educational budget, let me reiterate that I take all of your concerns regarding the bus issue of the past year to heart, be they via email, phone, fax, sideways glances, word of mouth, and one 96 count Crayola Crayon box thrown through my lake house window. Looks like "Bittersweet" isn't just a color anymore! It is a color though. As we wind down this academic year, we reflect how we've overcome - maybe how we've thrived - since our opening day in August and "The Incident." In case you don't recall, The Incident, simply put, was the failing of the newly implemented Washburn County Public School Bus pickups and drop offs on the first day of school, August 9th. Unfortunately, the bus routes were insufficiently planned. Some children were forced to run across interstates to new bus stops, nearly exposing them to the fates of turtles on a pond road. Some children left and returned to their homes in the morning and evening twilight hours. One student was deposited at home so late she encountered the Henderson Road Ghost, who of course has walked the stretch past Breakers Creek for two hundred years since her fiancée got cold feet and pushed her out of a carriage on their wedding night. Anyway, the new bus routes were so catastrophic that I made the decision to cancel all school for two weeks as we returned to the old bus route system, leading many students to lose their enthusiasm for enforced learning. In the wake of The Incident, the Board made the decision to hire the Bigger Picture Investigative Services company to perform an audit on the "human failings" and "automation bias" that led to The Incident. I was happy to oblige, as I am wracked with guilt. I am so deeply sorry that you all feel bad about what happened, and so deeplier sorry that I wrote things in emails that should have been phone calls. It is also with profoundly humble humility that I now announce the release of Bigger Picture's 658 page audit of The Incident, its leadup and aftermath. I will just share the highlights now with you, except with those of you clearly leaving to order takeout and read the whole thing at home like it's the eighth Harry Potter book: Harry Effs the Bus Routes. Okay, highlights… 1) Superintendent Rogers Attends National Superintendent's Conference in Reno, Nevada and is approached by MAXIBUS ROUTE TECH. In retrospect, it's possible I could have deduced that the Maxibus team was not qualified for the task at hand, and was in fact a weekend startup run by a three high school students trying to sell a Unicorn and retire by drinking age. I could have done more investigation, requested references, or asked who the President was the year Brad, the CEO, was born. I could have called the phone number on the web site which I now understand belongs to the Butternut Basin Ski Lodge Gift Shop. But we were in a time crunch! We needed tech solutions for a human shortage problem. Then Brad explained their automation routes intricately on a cocktail napkin at the Silver Dollar Lounge. I took their word, being an earnest person, and offered them a non-compete contract and a canvas sack of education department cash. 2) Superintendent Rogers expresses an automation bias in hotel room internet search: "Robot Help For Humans for Drive Bus." Look you jackals, robots do lots of things for us...

17 MAG 2024 · "The question, directed towards women, seems simple: Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a bear? A good number of women prefer the bear." ~CNN "Bumble to Users: You Need Sex. Users to Bumble: Get Lost." ~The New York Times Unless you've been living in a hole in the ground, you've probably already heard of me. I'm the Bear that a majority of women say they would rather encounter in the woods than a human man. (Unrelated: I actually do live in a hole in the ground.) I've recently been approached by the dating app company Bumble. They're having some problems with women-similar problems that human men seem to have with women. Neither Bumble nor human men can figure out what women want. They were both hoping it would be straight-up sex, but the women are not responding positively to that pressure from either party. Out of desperation to save its flailing "feminist" dating app, Bumble just offered me a position as their next CEO. First, I said, "What's a CEO?" Then, I said, "I'm a bear." Next, I said, "I live in a hole in the ground," because I was afraid they might want me to move to New York. Then I said, "Wait, is your logo a beehive full of delicious honey?" The Bumble people told me to focus and asked me what I think women want. They said, "All the women keep picking you over human men, so you must know." I told them I don't believe there's one simple answer to what all women want because women are whole and unique human beings who have a variety of goals and desires and preferences. I did have some ideas, though, about what women might NOT want, and I was willing to share my bear perspective on that in case it could help human men reconsider some of their habits that might be working against them in the dating market. For example, as a bear: I don't ride a motorcycle. I don't speak in weird cliches about partners in crime or fluency in sarcasm. I don't lie about my height. When I catch a fish, I just eat the fish. I don't need to get all performative about it and take selfies with the fish and whatnot. I own my den and have no need for money, so I never ask women for money or a place to crash. As a hibernating animal, I respect the importance of good sleep, so I don't text women late at night and say, "You up?" I never try to mate with juvenile bears. That's disgusting. I also mentioned that when women want to be left alone, I just leave them alone. The Bumble people eyed me suspiciously and said, "What's your game, Bear?" I said, "There is no game. I don't think women want to play games. I think women just want to be treated like other bears and sometimes left alone when they say so." The Bumble people looked at me strangely and cocked their heads back and forth the way I've seen confused wolves do, and I thought I was getting through to them, but then all of a sudden they screamed, "WAIT!!! We've got it!!! We know what women want: THEY WANT TO DATE AI BOTS!" and then they just left. So I guess I'm not going to be the CEO of Bumble after all, which is fine. To be honest, I was relieved when they left. After meeting with the Bumble people I totally get why women keep picking me.

15 MAG 2024 · To all the friends and family gathered here today, to all of the amazing professors, and most importantly, to my peers: My heart is full today as I look out and see hundreds of familiar usernames. I'm honored to have the opportunity to celebrate this milestone with you all. College is a unique experience. Uniquely formative, uniquely exciting, uniquely challenging, and let's admit it, uniquely sleep-depriving. I'm joking of course. But to be standing here before you today as a college graduate has made every midnight deadline and 8 a.m. lecture worth it. I am excited for us to leave this Zoom meeting with our heads held high, knowing that we are the next generation of thinkers and doers. I'm also super excited to tell you about a service that has changed my life, Hello Fresh. Whether I had a big exam coming up, was swamped with extracurricular activities, or just wanted a healthy and delicious meal, Hello Fresh kept my fridge stocked with tasty, ready-made meal kits - allowing me to spend less time in the kitchen and more time in the library. Try Hello Fresh today! Now, I want to start my address by highlighting the achievement of a student who I think embodies the passion and creativity that defines us as University of Phoenix students. Carlos Freitas is a first-generation college student from Mexico City, Mexico. He studies Computational Biology and Visual Arts, combining his passion for research with his passion for painting. Carlos's experience exemplifies the flexible and unique approach University of Phoenix students take to higher education. Because of people like Carlos, I learned the importance of tailoring my education to my interests. Carlos didn't have to choose between science and the arts, and with Manscaped, you don't have to choose between cost and convenience. Manscaped's new Lawn Mower 4.0 is an affordable solution for all of your male grooming needs. Plus, it's portable, waterproof, and has a battery life of up to 6 hours! Carlos didn't have to settle, so why should you? Manscaped's Lawn Mower 4.0 - get yours today. As I think back to all the classes, all the exams, and yes, all the parties - sorry, Mom, plug your ears for this part - I know this year's graduating class is uniquely prepared to go out and tackle the world ahead of us. As I reflect on my time here at the University of Phoenix, I think about the educators whose words will stick with me long after I've left this cyber-learning space. For those of you who also took Econ 101 with Professor Tomlinson, it's like he always said… "ZipRecruiter is the #1 rated job site in the US. Unlike traditional online employment sites, ZipRecruiter curates opportunities for job-seekers and matches businesses to prospective employees. If you're looking for a job, make ZipRecruiter your first stop on the way to employment." In closing, as you go forth from these breakout rooms, I want you to always remember this place and these people. We all came to the University of Phoenix for different reasons, but I think I speak for everyone here when I say that none of us knew just how life-changing this experience would be. Today you leave the University of Phoenix, but the University of Phoenix will never leave you. Congratulations to the class of 2024! But before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you about a college that's changing thousands of people's lives across the country and beyond: Grand Canyon University. GCU provides flexible, well-rounded educational programs tailored to every student's individual needs, whether you're looking to earn your bachelor's, master's, or doctoral degree. Over 90,000 students matriculate yearly, and most GCU graduates report feeling satisfied in their careers after graduation. GCU - making a world-class education accessible and affordable.

14 MAG 2024 · Hey lovers! So much has changed in the field of human romantic relationships since I last wrote. Yes, it's only been a week, but we've got lots of new ground to cover. It's hard to imagine that relationship experts in the biblical era thought when butt-play was discovered in the ancient cities of Sodom and Gomorrah that we'd crossed the final threshold. Boy, were they wrong. Let's dive into the latest. Key trends to know: #1 - Clowning Believed to have emerged from a disbanded circus troupe residing in the Phoenix metropolitan area, clowning refers to a practice of having sex in full clown costume. That's right, folks! Wigs, makeup, too-large shoes, the full regalia, with, of course, some strategic holes cut into the striped bodysuit. I spoke to my colleague in the field, Dr. Sheila Garrond, a researcher in the study of character sex, about what makes this practice diverge from other costumed groups. First, she seemed hesitant to answer. "I told you I'm an anthropologist," Dr. Garrond said, but I pressed for more details. "Can you stop asking me these weird clown sex questions?" she added. Asked if it might be fair to say that clowning represents a new form of expression and the broad spectrum of creativity she said, "Huh. Lose this number." That left me to investigate this long-misunderstood community on my own. Turns out many famous clowns throughout the ages have been wrongly maligned. Pennywise was not an evil gutter monster, merely a man hiding his clowning practice from a conservative wife. Bozo the clown could not be reached for comment before publication. John Wayne Gacy, well, we don't have to get into that one. #2 - Soft-clowning One of the most beautiful aspects of the clowning community is its open-minded approach to different degrees of expression. Soft-clowning refers to clowns who skip the complete outfit in favor of simpler get-ups: only a sponge nose, say, or partial clown makeup, to prevent mess. When I found a clown on the streets of Winnetka, I knew I had to ask him about this. "Sometimes, I do forget to take my socks off," Giggles said, asking to be referred to by his middle name. I told him that was a really courageous choice, and thanked him for being so brave and sharing about his sexuality. Then he said, "what's this?" a pulled a really long chain of tied-together G-strings' out of my ear. Human expression never ceases to amaze. #3 - Solo non-clown play With the rise of the clowning community, more and more individuals are choosing to describe themselves in relation to it. Naturally, some individuals find the term "masturbation," outdated and old-fashioned, and prefer to use "solo non-clown play" instead. "To me, it's not the same thing," said RonaldaMcDonalda69, a popular digital content creator on OnlyFans. "I often hardcore-clown, so even when I'm not clowning, I'm still a clown." Does our society do enough to support clowns? "No," Ronalda said. "Clown cars and circus tents, these gathering places serve an important role in our community: hosting orgies. And unfortunately they are threatened by anti-circus legislation, shifting tastes and gentrification." When it comes to love and relationships, who doesn't sometimes feel like a clown? Thanks to everyone in this colorful community who bravely shared their sex-themed gimmicks with me in the course of my research, like the lube-squirting flowers many clowns wear conveniently on their lapels. That's all for this week. Remember to practice safe clowning, and thank you for mailing me all these beautiful balloon animals made out of condoms. XOXO The Relationship Expert

14 MAG 2024 · April 24, 1964: New Jersey Garage Band Installs Remote-Controlled Door, Goes Electric Bob Dylan ditching the acoustic guitar at Newport was an attention grabber, sure, but few people know that it was predated by a New Jersey garage band going electric with a controversial choice of their own: installing a remote-controlled door. The door's pivotal role in the Morristown group's set that spring evening - opening at the beginning and closing at the end - led to a rift in the Miller Street Ext. music scene. While some praised the installation as "an exciting leap forward," others were unenthused, deriding it as "offensive to the garage band ethos." Some even hurled boos and other invectives at the 140-volt motor, though roughly half of those came from jealous neighborhood dads. Undiscouraged, the trio played almost daily for three more years, punctuated only by a two-week hiatus in '67 after the lead guitarist's sister shifted into drive instead of reverse and dented the lower panel. The house, which was later sold, still stands. In lieu of a plaque at the address - the current homeowner rudely shooed this writer off his property despite a thorough explanation of its importance - the band's boldness warrants a 2,000-word feature in Rolling Stone. If not there, then Better Homes and Gardens. May 13, 1959: Boundary-Pushing Rocker Holds Acoustic Guitar A Bit Too Close to Campfire Before Jimi Hendrix set his Stratocaster ablaze in Monterey, a checkered shirt-wearing camp counselor in the Pennsylvania woods did the equivalent within the prim confines of the late '50s rock 'n' roll scene: holding his acoustic guitar abnormally close to a crackling campfire. Inspired by a block of cheddar cheese in his fridge, 19-year-old James Finch played a three-chord song called "Mild Thing." The dozen 4th graders who had gathered 'round the campfire looked on wide-eyed as he inched the headstock closer and closer to the flames until he affixed a marshmallow to where the tip of the G string stuck out above its tuning peg. It was a stroke of genius. By song's end, the mass of sugar was golden, the Fender was toasty, and the notion of what a live performance could entail had been expanded that much further. Finch, now approaching 84, is not bitter about how his contribution to popular music's mid-century escapades has been unjustly ignored by the powers that be. "The applause and laughter that night was enough, sir, really," he says, so humble after all these years. Still, what happened under that full moon was a watershed moment, even if his handwritten lyrics haven't fetched an eBay bid above this writer's offer of $400. June 1, 1980: Babbling Toddler Bites Head Off Batman Action Figure During "Happy Birthday" Concertgoers in Des Moines may have been caught off guard when Ozzy Osbourne bit the head off a live bat in the winter of '82, but unbeknownst to them, a babbling three-year-old with an antsy jaw made just as shocking a move two years prior in sunny San Diego: biting the head off his beloved Batman toy during his birthday party. Plopped in his high-chair with a hefty cake before him, Joey waved the plastic figure above the candles as family and friends began to sing. But after the penultimate line, Batman's head went "pop," and mom, dad, and even Spot darted their eyes toward the head of the table, eyebrows raised. Fortunately, it was grandma Doris who nimbly extracted the slimy item before it went anywhere it shouldn't. The flames, the decapitation, the prolonged unease of an unresolved "Happy Birthday" - it was all quite dramatic. Yet the memory of the near-choking incident has largely been confined to a dusty photo album, its significance dwarfed by Osbourne's rabies scare. Too many years have come and gone without Joseph Mariotta Jr.'s dentists knowing they had the honor of scraping plaque off the teeth of an icon. Too many of this writer's letters to his current hygienist have been met with either callous silence or a visit from the co...

10 MAG 2024 · A Moveable Girl Dinner Forget the austere glamor of Hemingway's art and alcohol-fueled 1920's Paris - the 2020s have moved the (art?) enclave online, replacing weeks-long European travels and trysts with 20-year-old "girls" nibbling cheese, crackers, and a lone piece of deli meat ham rolled into the tiniest taquito. Alice's Activism in Wonderland Upon witnessing the Red Queen's abuse of capital punishment, Alice's disillusionment with the monarchy only grows as she encounters the populous of Wonderland falling into unhealthy coping mechanisms, drug use, and addiction in an attempt to distract from a tyrannical, "colorblind" head of state. Alice takes matters into her own hands to usurp the powers-that-be and help everyone get on the Caterpillar's level with some solid smoke. The Grating Gatsby This Gatsby is blander than your aunt's mash potatoes after she decides to cut her sodium intake. Instead of parties visible from other coastlines, he throws 4-person kickbacks, posts out-of-focus TikToks about the "insane livestream going down at #casadeGatsby," and "accidentally" tags his neighbor's wife in all of them - even though she never makes an appearance. The Scarlet Unsubscribe After receiving a giant letter "C" tattooed on her chest for "serving c*nt," not snitching, and cheating on her husband with a hot priest*, Hester is canceled by her community and shadow blocked across platforms. But instead of staying "Canceled," Hester decides to rebrand herself as a sex-positive influencer who stands on business. Use code "Chilling" for 20% off at Bellesa, *Not the one from Fleabag. Weathering Inflation Heights A tempestuous, capricious inflation rate climbs higher and higher, crueler and crueler, as one weary, ambivalent mixed-class household bends to its predictably unpredictable temperament, hoping for a government-ordered rate halt that never comes. Even after they're dead and buried, inflation will burrow into the graves to continue f*cking them. Our Mutual Friend-With-Benefits When word gets around about John's rich talent for…..y'know….he quickly becomes a coveted addition to everyone's polycule. Whether they're an all-female arts collective illegally living in a two-bedroom apartment on the wrong side of town, a co-ed group of Trader Joe's employees that frequents the same Russian bath house in the city center, or three IT guys all named Dave, everyone from every sort of socio-economic background has come to call John their best friend. The Mortgage Rate Also Rises Other than the rising climate-change-affected sea-levels, increasing number of school shootings bolstered by inadequate gun control measures, and surge in TikTok-face, Jake realizes in dawning horror that even if he learns to scuba dive, survives high school, and avoids lip filler sepsis, he'll never be able to afford a home worthy of Lady Brett Ashley's sober-curious soirees. The Siblings Karamazov The children of a cheugy, affluent late-stage Millennial attempt to convince their ill-dressed, ill-tempered, and culturally-ill parent to acknowledge their pronouns, the legacy of The Wendy Williams Show, and the results of the 2020 election. All Quiet on the Post-College Employment Front Recent graduates suffer from shellshock as no companies seem to be hiring. Of the companies that are accepting applications, role descriptions list a minimum requirement of 2-years experience - even for "entry-level" positions. Deep in the job-search trenches, aspiring recruits race to upskill as yet another social media platform blows up in the hands of an incompetent general. Annananana Karenenininina After watching her Millennial brother blow up his own marriage in a mid-life-for-the-time crisis, Annananana Karenenininina - readers may opt to just call her Anna Kendrick - decides to do the same since she's 28, close to death, and her cheek fillers have nearly completed their migration. Upon engaging in non-consensual non-monogamy, Anna Kendrick is canceled by her whole social ci...

9 MAG 2024 · "My anxiety service iguana ate my homework." "I couldn't get past the group of protesters in front of the school." "My homeroom teacher is still angry that I didn't call her the day after our night together." "My bullet proof vest was still in the wash." "Militia meeting ran late." "Parents arrested for storming government building." "I was pushed out of a window by Vladimir Putin." "Parents wouldn't allow me to leave the house while the Four Horsemen were hovering in the sky over America." "Tear gas residue in classroom still causing problems with allergies." "Sent home early as punishment for requesting a book from the school library." "Poisonous paint fumes from golden Trump shoes put me and my family in the hospital for several weeks."

8 MAG 2024 · Life is a high school prom and no one asked you to be their date. Life is a dream and you showed up to work wearing no pants. Life is an orgy and we're all getting screwed. Life is an ice skating rink and you wore flip-flops. Life is an orgy and everyone is getting screwed except for me. Life is an orgy and I'm standing awkwardly in the corner at the orgy snack table watching everyone else get screwed. Life is an orgy with terrible snacks. Life is an orgy and I wasn't really invited, but showed up anyway. Life is an orgy and my hot friend Hannah was actually invited by these two dudes at the bar, but she didn't want me to feel left out, even though they were clearly only inviting her. So I gaslighted myself into believing it would be a good experience, and anyways my therapist has been telling me to get out of my comfort zone. Life is an orgy and when he said "get out of my comfort zone," I think my therapist was thinking more along the lines of Paint 'N Pour. Or maybe a bowling league. Life is an orgy and the couple in front of me just asked me to be their third, but it turns out they were actually asking the girl standing behind me. Life is an orgy and I want to leave. Life is an orgy and would it be rude to just sneak out the back door? That was not an orgy pun. It was a cry for help. Life is an orgy and I'm kind of stuck here until Hannah is finished because she is my ride home. Life is like a river, with constant ebbs and flows and weird fish shaped like penises. Life is an orgy and I'm trying really hard to think of nice imagery of rivers so I don't have a panic attack but all I can think of is weird dick fish with three eyes. Life is an orgy and I'm hyperventilating in the corner. Life is an orgy and that guy over there is getting fucked in the ass. Life is an orgy and I'm staying home next Tuesday.

7 MAG 2024 · To: @Trump2024 Cc: @RudyColludy, @UberfuherMiller, @ThatMTG, @TwoShirtsBannon We're looking at the numbers on the "May the Fourth be with You" meme we shared on Twitter, er, I mean X, no, wait "Truth Social," and they are insane! People love seeing the President portrayed in a copyrighted fantasy setting! Trump with a red lightsaber! Lifetime ruler alert! We're working on a video follow-up: Picture the scene where Emperor Palpatine (now The Once-and-Only-President Trump) tells Luke (now Joe Biden) "It is of no concern. Soon the rebellion will be crushed." Or something like that. If that doesn't make people want to join the Trump Empire, then nothing will! So, with that in mind, we've been going through Wikipedia (not Wikileaks; LOL) to find more iconic and trademarked pop-culture characters we can infringe on. It's quite a list! We hope they'll be as big as our Trump-as-Thanos video from 2020 and our "Build the Wall"/GoT poster before that. Here's what we're pitching… Auric Goldfinger: this was a no brainer! Who loves gold more than President 45? Picture the scene where James Bond is tied to a table with a laser working its way up toward his groinal regions. Only, in the clip, we'll put Joe Biden's face on Bond. So when she says, "Do you expect me to talk?" and Goldfinger/Trump replies "No, I expect you to die!" Our supporters will go nuts. Many clinically. Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Style, wit, grace, intellect; who better displays these Trumpian characteristics than Dr. Lecter from "Silence of the Lambs"? We all agree that we should use the scene where Lecter silences all the lambs, i.e., the braying Democrats. Zombie from "Return of the Living Dead": We can have Zombie Trump trying to eat the brains of the Joe Biden, but he keeps saying "These Democrats have no brains!" (If he hasn't said it already, maybe work the phrase into his next rally) and "I'm still hungry!" (which we're very sure is on file somewhere). Jack Torrance: For context, this is Jack Nicholson in "The Shining." Just imagine having President-ish Trump come busting through the door saying "Here's MAGA!" while Hillary (or Joe Biden or Barrack or one of Trump's judges) screams in terror? That's Trumpism in a nutshell, baby! Lord Voldemort: What could be more dramatic and uplifting for the Republicans then the scene where Lord Donald finally strikes down his mortal enemy, Joe Potter, with the forbidden spell of "Avada Kedavra" which, we believe, is Latin for "Corrupt!" Godzilla: Hey, when you think about destroying a corrupt town like Washington D.C., what comes to mind quicker than Godzilla? Imagine Prez Trump's head over Godzilla's as he stomps through town screaming "MAGA" or "Sleepy Joe!" (depending on focus group feedback) and we can turn the fleeing populous into members of the Demon-cratic Party (pretty good, right? I just made that up now). I think we can use video from January 6th. There's a lot of footage there. Gollum: Okay, he's another gold-phile, but we can have the scene were Frodo is trying to throw the ring (say, the Constitution) into the flaming fires of Mount Doom and Gollum/Trump leaps out and rescues the ring, yelling: "My precious! My precious," which would totally be in character for Mr. Trump and his love of the Constitution. Get back to me on any of these ideas. Me and Lester are ready to put any one of them together! And wait until you see the amazing fake Time covers we're prepping! And we'll make sure we don't send out this text as a tweet again!

7 MAG 2024 · Thank you for your interest in my babysitting while you travel for the next seven days. If this is going to work, we must set ourselves up for success by laying out conditions that I find acceptable. I can babysit a maximum of one child. The child must be older than a toddler. The problem with toddlers is that they are prone to accidents, tantrums, and so forth. The child must be younger than a middle schooler. Let's say no older than a third grader, just to be safe. The problem with children above this age is that they start to develop opinions, attitudes, and the cleverness to say hurtful things. I will babysit in your home if it's a mansion in an upscale neighborhood with fun things to do. How big is big enough to be a mansion? If you have to ask, it's not a mansion. If you don't own a mansion, I will accept a rented mansion as my workplace as long as it fulfills my other requirements. Your home must have a dog for me to play with. The dog must be fully trained and respond to whatever name I give her. I can change the name up to three times per day. A staff member hired and compensated by you is to be responsible for this dog's feeding and care; my entire relationship with the dog consists of play. I must have my own babysitter to protect me, and in case your kid needs anything. Your home must have the following amenities: WiFi, streaming services, Microsoft XBOX, Sega Master System, ColecoVision, board games, Crosley record player, Audio Technica record player, kitchen, gym, four friends (smart but not showoffy about it, good listeners, willing to babysit). You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep your child busy (supervised by others). You must provide a full schedule of activities to keep me busy, too. Activities for your kid only? No fair! You are to provide me with a grocery stipend, an Uber stipend or a private driver, and a personal chef who's on call 24 hours per day throughout my babysitting assignment. By the way, size alone does not make a mansion. I will not babysit in a big, crappy house. You must arrange for private plane transportation to pick up my lunches: sushi from Japan, pizza from Italy, fried chicken from Kentucky. Whatever happens this week, I get the movie rights. You are obligated to provide me with a fruit basket (organic fruit only,please. (The "please" there was a bit much; sorry. (I have nothing to apologize for, and you should be ashamed for not speaking up to tell me so.))) You shall provide the following benefits: Health insurance and on-site concierge doctor, 401(k) with 200,000-percent employer match, house-party insurance, and six days' paid vacation. Ideally, you'd bring your child with you on your trip.