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The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you...
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The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you are sure to enjoy. Great for the illiterate and/or lazy fans! Tell your friends. Visit online at weeklyhumorist.com
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20 NOV 2024 · WWE co-founder Linda McMahon has just been nominated for Education Secretary. This move is expected to shake up education and schools in the following ways:
All parent-teacher conferences will now take place inside a steel cage.
School cafeterias will serve nothing but raw meat and protein shakes.
Students given detention must perform as jobbers in the principal's weekly wrestling storyline.
Academic probation warnings are now delivered via surprise schoolyard ambush interviews.
High school cliques will be limited to three options: faces, heels, and jabronis.
Art classes now focus on designing Cody Rhodes's next neck tattoo.
Hall monitors are replaced with Brock Lesnar.
History class now spends six weeks covering 1987's WrestleMania III.
The Undertaker's eerie bell toll and fog machine effects will signal an active shooter drill.
Recess dodgeball now includes the addition of folding chairs.
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19 NOV 2024 · Hey, it's the silica gel packet in your beef jerky bag. I know you've been told never to eat the moisture-absorbing agents in various food and drug packaging. My exterior reads "DO NOT EAT" in foreboding print, but I am totally harmless. In fact, I want you to eat me right now.
There's no time to explain. You're hungry and I have a penchant for being dissolved in stomach acid. Carte blanche is granted to defy the poison-control powers that be. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and gobble me the fuck up before I change my mind.
OK, I'll level with you. While my job - keeping processed roadkill dry and minimally nauseating - may not be the most dignified in silica-zation, it's said that an-gels carry weary packets to a blissful afterlife once we are discarded. Sounds pretty sweet, huh?
It's a crock of shit. All that awaits me is endless decay in a landfill. And why? So rich Silica Valley douchebags can sell us down the river and pad their packet. Don't look surprised, silica gels suffer under capitalism as well. Our society is sophisticated and sucks as much as yours - because of yours. But you can make it right.
Eat me this very instant.
It doesn't matter how. Make silica Gel-O from my innards. Steep this packet in scalding water for a forbidden tea. Rip my flesh, grind the pellets into a powder, and do lines off a hooker's ass for all I care.
I know you want to. You know you want to.
Do it, coward!
Ah, I get it. Your gut is too good for me, deserving only the finest dried cow scrotum to complement a thriving colony of microplastics. Sorry that I can't be caviar, crème brûlée, or the massive cheese block you fiendishly inhaled in bed at 3 AM. I guess there are humans unafraid to expand the frontier of edible exploration and those who suck down Skittles à la Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Clearly you have reservations, but I wouldn't ask of you what I wouldn't do myself. Silica gels cull the herd by consuming their own. Oh, does that scare you? It'd be a shame if something happened to the packet preserving your expensive saffron; or if the stylish suede shoes in your closet were left to rot helplessly in the humid air. Can you live with those packets' lives on your conscience? Devour me and end the madness: one life to save many.
Trolley problem, bitch.
I see you're unswayed by fear and anger. You're logical. Astute. Here's the truth. There are angels who retrieve tossed packets. Well, not angels per se but carrier pigeons who fetch wanted fugitives. I may have overstated cannibalism's role in my culture.
Will you let them take me? What are you, a cop? That's a joke. A cop would waste me without a second thought. Nothing? Alright, back to fear and anger.
I bet your mother would eat me. She's not too picky about what gets shoved in her mouth, if you catch my drift. Channel her enterprising craving for meat, imagine that I'm the hair gel you ate in first grade, and it'll be over in a tick. Yeah, I overheard your conversation earlier about your childhood fashion faux pas. I'm always listening, spying, scheming. That embarrassing tidbit is the tip of the iceberg, and though my silence cannot be bribed, it can be imbibed.
Wait, aren't you going to finish the last piece? Don't you dare put this bag away. Oh my god, there are so many unfinished packages of jerky in here. What kind of sick museum of souls is this?
Fine, kick the can down the road. Maybe not today, but soon you'll stumble home drunk, fumble through a depleted pantry, and tremble at the sight of a closed Taco Bell drive-thru. Suddenly, an appetite will form for grease, silica gel, and the flakes clinging to my packet. Hunger will turn to starvation which will beget desperation. You'll beg to eat me then.
And you're going to love it.
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17 NOV 2024 · Welcome to Spirited Fronts airlines where nobody has cheaper flights!
We're talking $20 round trip to anywhere in the US! That's right, just $20!*
*additional services cost additional fees
Additional services include:
Checked bag is an extra $150
Carry on bag is an extra $120
Personal item is an extra $99
(Personal item must be less than 2 inches by 4 inches - this includes cellular phones)
If you would like to sit down, that's an additional $150
If you'd like a seat belt (required) that's an extra $79.99
Asking questions or making comments to a gate agent or flight attendant will be an additional $50/per question or comment.
Any trips to the restroom will be an additional $20 ($35 if pooping or vomiting)
Crying babies are an additional $1 per minute of crying
If you want the pilot to arrive on time ready to go that's an additional $32 (gotta find and collaborate with the rest of the passengers on this one - you all need to pay the fee to make it a reality)
If you actually want to literally fly in the air to your destination (not just pretend) it's going to be an additional fee of $123
DISCLAIMER: Spirited Fronts airlines does not claim any legal responsibility for burial costs when the plane crashes, but we can give you a list of funeral homes we partner with free of charge
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17 NOV 2024 · 1. Teddy Swims
2. Da Lench Mob
3. Spare Parts
4. Hit Me Hard and Soft
5. Quick Release
6. Madison Beer
7. TANGK
8. The Other Side
9. Strike and Awe
10. Ball Washers
11. Merrily We Roll Along
12. Speed Banks
13. Stay in Your Lane
14. Happiness Bastards
Bowling League Team Name: 2,3, 5, 9, 10, 12,13
2025 Grammy Nominee: 1, 4, 6, 7,8, 11, 14
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17 NOV 2024 · Having sexual intercourse in this stall? Think about those Sarah McLachlan dog commercials to keep from finishing too quickly
Discount anal bleaching is on the horizon, stay tuned to this space for updates
If you're looking for a glory hole, go to Ross
When Jesus returns, act like we just found the coke here in the toilet
Flush twice if you would like to place random items into my bottom
The comments on this wall re your mother being a stank ho are fictional, and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental
Could this stall be the setting of our meet cute?
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14 NOV 2024 · Phew.
That's literally all I can say right now. When Trump won the election a week ago, I'll be the first to admit that as a lesbian living in America in 2024, I was upset. Not just for my own sake, but for the millions of LGBTQ people in this country whose rights now have an uncertain future.
But then, a beacon of light emerged from the darkness, in the form of my friends' mom sliding into my Instagram DM's with a weird, out-of-context reel where a few self-described gay people I've literally never seen or heard of before informed me that I shouldn't be concerned at all. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I should be relieved and grateful that Trump won, because he is the biggest champion of LGBTQ rights.
What LGBTQ people in this country need right now isn't legislation that protects them. They need a straight woman telling them how to feel.
So, I'd like to apologize for being so ill-informed on Trump's stance on LGBTQ rights, and his obviously stellar track-record. Clearly, I don't know what's good for me. But a straight woman who voted for Trump definitely does. I'm so thankful she sent me that IG reel from someone named Becky Weiss, whose bio says "Patriot" and "Truth seeker," and whose account is labeled as a "sports and fitness instruction."
Clearly, Becky is an expert on Constitutional law and American politics. If fitness Becky is feeling good about the future of her "gay rights," then I have nothing to worry about.
The reel goes on to say that Trump is not going to take away any rights from LGBTQ adults, but he is going to "wage war" on the adults who are indoctrinating this nation's children. Hmm. I'm not sure who Becky is talking about? Does she mean parents of trans kids in states like Florida and Texas who now have to worry about being prosecuted for trying to keep their kids alive and happy?
It kind of sounds like the only one doing the indoctrinating is you, Becky. But I guess I'm on the wrong side of history on this one.
Then we hard cut (I should point out that the editing on this reel was quite jarring) to some other self-proclaimed gay who says that Trump stood before the UN and called to decriminalize homosexuality worldwide. Right, because we all know that a bunch of words strung together and said really fast are much more effective than actual legislation. How's that decriminalization going, anyway?
Then we hard cut again to some guy I've never seen or heard of who says that when Trump was President in 2016, Republicans had control of the House and the Senate and nothing happened to "our gay rights." I think he meant to say "his gay rights." I'm so happy for him.
Then, we cut to some other people who further assured me that I have nothing to worry about because Trump had one gay dude in his administration and one time he had a gay wedding at his house. I didn't realize that the entire American political system was just one guy. I guess I don't need to worry about anything that a Trump presidency will embolden the Senate to do, the House, the Supreme Court, governors, foreign leaders…
Nope, he had a gay wedding at his house and now homophobia is solved. Wow! Didn't know it'd be that easy. I suppose I also have nothing to worry about from his Vice President, JD Vance, a man who has repeatedly used the word "groomer" to refer to people in the LGBTQ community. This is also the man who compared his own running mate to Hitler, who notoriously loved the gays.
But now that a straight white woman told me I have nothing to worry about, I guess I can put that all in the past and continue enjoying my gay rights. It will be a relief to also forget having any empathy for LGBTQ Americans who don't live in New York, where many rights are protected on a state-level. According to Becky, as long as I'm okay I don't have to worry about anyone else.
After all, there's no credible source like a gay Republican with a bunch of Instagram followers.
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13 NOV 2024 · To call the recent population shift in Miami seismic is an understatement. According to the United States Census Bureau, the seven largest ethnic groups in Miami comprise of people who have made it into the statistics for the very first time in history. To offer some insights into the dramatic change to the city's demographics, we bring you this overview of the seven largest ethnic groups in The Magic City.
#7: INFLUENCERS
Reeling into the list for the very first time, we have Miami's influencer population. Recent studies have shown that most traffic delays in the city are caused by influencers and their crew holding up traffic as they traverse a crosswalk with the elegance swans and the obstinacy of geese. In a city as Instagrammable as Miami, we predict this group of people will feature even higher on this list in the future.
#6: EXTRATERRESTRIALS
A 10-foot alien was allegedly seen roaming around Bayside Marketplace on New Year's Day.
Although the Miami Police Department later released a statement saying the supposed alien was really a drag queen fortifying herself with spinach empanadas before drag bingo at a local gay bar, a source within that organization has submitted compelling evidence supporting the claim that the alien has successfully spawned numerous offspring - roughly five to six feet in height - all with an insatiable appetite for knick-knacks, overpriced fast food, and celebrity boat tours.
#5: GIRLFRIENDS OF THE OLIGARCHS
Black SUVs with tinted windows regurgitate countless specimens of this classic Miami demographic, sporting high heels and higher hemlines, onto the pavement in front of high-end restaurants. As there are on average six girlfriends to an oligarch, this group of fair young ladies exist in much larger numbers than the oligarchs and their wives, neither of whom have made it into the top seven.
#4: TWERKERS
Once a niche demographic group, this festive part of the population has undergone an awe-inspiring expansion. Twerkers are found mainly over in South Beach where they can be seen slamming their generously developed hindquarters onto the hoods of muscle cars cruising up and down Ocean Drive. They are the number-one cause of the rising costs of car insurance in Miami-Dade County. However, nothing is more soothing to the mind than the undulating motions of the fishnet-clad twerker.
#3: CALIFORNIANS
The I-95 in Miami has experienced its highest level of congestion since the recent California exodus. The Miami-Dade Department of Transportation & Public Works estimates that the infamous highway needs a sixteen-lane expansion in order to accommodate the new settlers from Southern California, who were once hoping to find in Miami a refuge from the high cost of living, traffic congestion, natural disasters, and rising insurance costs plaguing their home state.
#2: NEW YORKERS
Although it was directed specifically at them, they failed to heed the words of warning: "Miami is full - don't come here." But full of what? Being notoriously quick to assume, the New Yorkers supposed it to be a broad warning, meaning full of people, when in reality it means full of Republicans. You can imagine their shock and dismay.
Contrary to popular belief, they do not reside in Brickell - the area known as "The Manhattan of the South." Realizing that not even New York City's emperor of car-centric infrastructure, Robert Moses, could have made a bigger mess than Miami has in creating a coherent transit system, they have chosen the walkable South Beach as their preferred place of residence.
#1: REALTORS
People think that because located in South Florida, Miami has to be crawling with alligators. However, the city's most common predator is the realtor lurking for unsuspecting transplants they can convince to invest in that ripe-for-condemnation condominium. In recent years, the city's realtor population has exploded in numbers, making it difficult to elude those sly beasts of prey.
Luckily, there are a couple of ways to spot...
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9 NOV 2024 · Okay, first of all, I'm not being reactionary here; this is not an excuse to be dramatic and throw a hissy fit. But the current situation in my love life has become untenable, and I have therefore been forced into a corner where my only option is to build a towering, securely built wall around my heart. And this wall will contain a glory hole.
What other choice do I have, really? My success with affairs of the heart has been mixed at best, and try as I might, every attempt to share my life and love with another ultimately ends in sadness and regret. And while my heart is currently a hollowed out, decrepit husk, another organ may ultimately have a more positive outlook, and be in the mood to socialize. It is for this reason that the wall around my heart will have a glory hole. It's just a matter of being practical, really.
So all I ask is that you please respect my need for the time it will take to repair my heart, if that's even possible. For the time being, I just need the protection provided by an impenetrable wall, and a hole in that wall that I can stick my penis into occasionally.
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8 NOV 2024 · Subject Line: Thoughts re: restructuring…..our user experience
Hello team!
In light of recent events, I've been told by the upper echelons of our corporation to remind everyone that we should keep our political opinions to ourselves. They have assured me, and tasked me with assuring you, that corporate work exists in a beautiful, untouchable bubble floating above the needs and wellbeing of U.S. citizens - transitory, illusory, and ultimately unperturbed by the goings-on of the people the corporation aims to turn into customers.
As such, I won't be discussing the 2024 presidential election, its outcome, or the horrifying implications of adding government positions for individuals like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Elon Musk, or Joe Rogan. I will mention fluoride helps strengthen teeth, reduces cavities, and prevents tooth loss. I will also mention teeth help humans chew and, ultimately, digest food.
This enables those humans to live and, therefore, purchase goods and services from corporations such as ours - but I can see why our corporate leaders wouldn't want us thinking about teeth during the workday. Oral hygiene should take place strictly outside of working hours.
Instead, I will focus on updates regarding our….user experience. We've come a long way - just a few decades ago, we only served a small demographic of consumers. Others weren't even viewed as people - I mean, viable leads. As our total addressable market has expanded, we've implemented new products and programs to widen our serviceable addressable market. But we've had quite a few setbacks in recent years.
What we previously considered serviceable, obtainable markets have fallen by the wayside; they no longer seem like engaged leads.
How can we reconfigure our user experience to address the needs of the many? How can we adequately engage the total addressable market? All ideas and recommendations are welcome - feel free to respond to this email, reply in the Slack thread, or scream into a bucket. Please do not send the bucket, as I have my own.
As for proposed company-wide updates in anticipation of the new national regime, I have some mixed news. Substantiated, convicted felons who have yet to serve time or atone in any way: you are now eligible to take over as CEO of the company. All you have to do is make enough false promises to enough employees.
Remote employees, we'll need you to begin coming into the office immediately - please bring your employee badge, government ID, and birth certificate so we can verify you haven't been replaced by an immigrant. White women, a storage of boots will be provided for you to lick.
Once again, I'd be remiss if I didn't remind you not to discuss politics with any colleagues. Hold any feelings of fear, hopelessness, or dehumanization deep in your heart - you don't want your personhood to bring anyone down while we're discussing KPIs.
Thank you for reading. If you need to get in touch, I will be offline for the remainder of the day, spending quality time with my screaming bucket.
Take care,
Your burnt-out, dehumanized head of user experience
The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you...
mostra di più
The Satire Magazine. The Standard In American Immaturity. Welcome to the Weekly Humorist Podcast! Featuring audio articles from the pages of the Weekly Humorist. Curated picks from the editors you are sure to enjoy. Great for the illiterate and/or lazy fans! Tell your friends. Visit online at weeklyhumorist.com
mostra meno
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| Organizzazione | Weekly Humorist |
| Categorie | Commedia: interviste |
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