One of the greatest causes of bitterness, anger, and brokenness in marriage is the confusion over union: couples know that in marriage TWO become ONE, but what they forget (or are never taught) is that ONE must continue to be TWO. Union is sacred—but so is individuality. People must learn to be One and yet recognize that by God’s design they are still TWO. Marriage is a union—not a fusion. In a fusion, two things melt into one substance. They become entirely—and only—one thing! But in a union, two become one by covenant and yet remain as two. This means that the TWO recognize, respect, and celebrate each other’s distinct, individual personalities, needs, and desires. When couples become fused together or completely wrapped up and entangled in each other’s lives—when there is no separation or distinguishing of each spouse’s right to be their own person and to own their own emotions and desires—then manipulation, anger, and resentment will grow like poisonous weeds to stifle the life of the Marriage Garden. Why?
People learn to fear and resent each other when they are completely locked into (and dependent on) each other’s emotional states. “You make me so mad!” becomes the unnatural spirit of a marriage where people are completely reliant on each other for their own strength and happiness.