SHOW NOTES: On this show…we are exploring how to create happiness within ourselves, how to respect others’ happiness without trying to control it (because let’s face it, that never works), and how to build a collective happiness that lifts us all up. If someone asked you, “Are you happy?”, what would your answer be? Does it depend on the time of day, what’s happening in the world, or another person? It’s ok to take a multi-pronged approach to answering that question because happiness is something we create within ourselves, respect others, and develop collectively. Because let’s be real: happiness is a tricky thing to pin down, isn’t it? We all want it, but sometimes we’re so busy trying to make everyone else happy that we forget to take care of our own. So whether you’re a self-proclaimed people-pleaser, someone who’s learning to set healthy boundaries, or just figuring out what makes you smile, I’ll find something for you. Let’s get real about what happiness is, what it isn’t, and how we can all be a little happier together. Deal? I started this study with some definitions that felt more like peeling an onion. Define happiness: the state of being happy. Ok, I should have seen that one coming. Define happy: feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. Pleasure and contentment seem like two different things so let's find out. Define pleasure: (disclaimer here….the definition of this one definitely differs by who you ask so proceed with caution) a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. Hmmm we may need to come back to those but I think I am seeing a common thread because satisfaction and contentment might be the same as pleasure and enjoyment. Define contentment: a state of happiness and satisfaction. And we’re on a loop. Looks like we need to jump off and take it from here. If I answered the aforementioned question “Are you happy?” I could honestly answer yes! I am happy. Of course, I have days of dissatisfaction and discontent but overall, I’m extremely happy. Throughout my life, my happiness has been tangled in a messy pile of yours, mine, and ours. I believed my happiness was directly tied to or a result of someone else’s happiness. Like we all have to get there together or not at all, that weakened my happiness but never depleted it. Once I was able to work through the tangle and untie the knots, I had a clear path to my own happiness. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating: your day starts and ends with you. YOUR day starts and ends with YOU. You have the power to find happiness and let joy explode or….well fill in the blank here. Anything that is the opposite of happiness and joy needs to be a temporary state that you are currently working your way out of.  So let’s get started! At I’m Calming the F#ck Down website I found a good start to start dissecting YOURS, MINE, AND OURS; MANAGING EXPECTATIONSJennifer Williams from Heartmanity helps Create a Healthy and Happy Life with Effective BoundariesOn Big Think’s YouTube channel I found some really important insight on How to be happier in 5 steps with zero weird tricks | Laurie Santos Here are some practical ways to check in with yourself to make sure you’re focusing on your own happiness and not overly tied to someone else’s:

1. Ask Yourself, “How Am I Feeling Today?”

Why it works: Start by tuning into your own emotions regularly. It’s easy to get swept up in how others feel, but this question grounds you in your own experience. Make it a habit to check in with your emotions at different times of the day. What to notice: Are you feeling anxious or down, but don’t know why? This could be a sign you’re too focused on someone else’s mood or well-being.

1. Check if You’re Overthinking Someone Else’s Problems

Why it works: It’s natural to care about others, but if you find yourself constantly thinking about how to fix or solve their issues, it might be a red flag that you’re neglecting your own. What to ask yourself: “Is this my responsibility?” or “Have I taken on more than I should?” This helps you draw healthy boundaries between what’s yours to carry and what’s not.

1. Assess Your Day-to-Day Choices

Why it works: Look at your daily decisions—what you eat, how you spend your time, and what you prioritize. Are you making choices based on what truly makes you happy, or are you trying to please or accommodate someone else? What to ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I think it will make someone else happy?” If it’s always the latter, it’s time to reevaluate.

1. Reflect on Your Motivations

Why it works: Before you take action, pause and ask yourself why you’re doing it. This practice helps you distinguish between acting out of genuine desire versus trying to keep someone else happy. What to ask yourself: “Am I doing this because it aligns with my values and happiness, or because I’m afraid of disappointing someone?”

1. Set Small, Personal Goals

Why it works: Focusing on small, personal goals that bring you joy will help you stay centered on your own happiness. These goals don’t need to be big—they can be as simple as setting aside time for a hobby or practicing self-care. What to notice: If your goals are always centered on someone else’s well-being or approval, it’s a sign you need to focus more on yourself.

1. Create Boundaries Around “Emotional Giving”

Why it works: If you’re constantly giving emotional support but feeling drained, it’s a signal that you may be overextending yourself. Setting boundaries helps prevent emotional burnout. What to ask yourself: “Am I emotionally giving to the point where it’s depleting me?” and “How can I offer support without sacrificing my own happiness?”

1. Observe Your Reactions to Others’ Moods

Why it works: Notice how much your mood is influenced by others. If someone else’s bad day instantly brings you down, you may be tying your emotions too closely to theirs. What to ask yourself: “Is my mood changing because of something going on with me, or am I picking up on someone else’s feelings?” This helps you create emotional distance and recognize that their mood doesn’t need to dictate yours.

1. Track When You Say “Yes”

Why it works: If you’re always saying “yes” to requests without considering your own needs, it’s a sign that you’re prioritizing someone else’s happiness over your own. What to ask yourself: “Am I saying yes because I genuinely want to, or am I afraid of letting someone down?” Learning to say no helps you honor your own boundaries and happiness.

1. Spend Time Alone to Recharge

Why it works: Time alone allows you to reconnect with your own needs and desires. It helps you break free from the constant influence of others and check in with what really makes you happy. What to do: Engage in solo activities you enjoy—reading, going for a walk, or meditating. Ask yourself during this time, “What do I need right now?”

1. Examine How You Handle Disagreement

Why it works: If you avoid conflict or disagreement because you don’t want to upset someone, it might be a sign you’re putting their happiness before your own. What to ask yourself: “Am I being true to myself, or am I just trying to keep the peace?” Standing up for your own needs, even when it’s uncomfortable, is key to maintaining your happiness.

1. Notice When You Feel Guilt

Why it works: Guilt can be a sign that you’re too focused on someone else’s happiness. If you feel guilty for choosing your own joy or saying no to someone, it’s time to reflect. What to ask yourself: “Why do I feel guilty? Am I doing something wrong, or am I just putting myself first for a change?”

1. Celebrate Your Own Wins

Why it works: Take time to celebrate your personal achievements and milestones, no matter how small. This reminds you that your happiness doesn’t have to be tied to anyone else’s. What to do: At the end of each day or week, list out things you did for yourself—anything from completing a task to taking a moment of self-care. Recognize that you deserve happiness and fulfillment independent of others. CHALLENGE: Reclaim your happiness and make it your own! Challenge yourself to focus on what truly brings you joy, while letting go of the need to control or depend on someone else’s happiness—because when you’re thriving, you inspire others to do the same.   I Know YOU Can Do It!