Cleopatra Was Not Stunningly Beautiful: And Other Ancient History Myths
Was Cleopatra really the world's most beautiful woman? Did Nero actually fiddle as Rome burned? Find out in this 4000-word humorous essay debunking the biggest myths from ancient history!
From biased Roman chroniclers to Hollywood films putting opulence before accuracy, ancient history comes riddled with misconceptions. We set the record straight on some of the biggest falsehoods still causing confusion from the Stone Age up to the Fall of Rome.
Myth #1: Cavemen All Lived Short, Brutish Lives
Thanks to cartoonish pop culture images of fur-clad hunter-gatherers perpetually on the brink of disaster, many envision prehistoric man's existence as not just nasty and brutish but extremely short too. Yet archeological evidence reveals Stone Age life expectancies rivaled 19th-century totals.
Examinations show relatively few injuries or debilitating conditions on ancient skeletons indicating survival rates statistically on par with recent rural laboring populations when factoring out infant mortality. So while scraping out survival posed challenges, lifespan length surprisingly did not for Neanderthals and Cro-Magnon ancestors mastering naturalistic living skills over generations. They hunted, built complex shelters, developed medicine, created artworks, and sustained their numbers effectively for nearly three million years before agrarianism upended humanity's longest-enduring lifestyle.
Myth #2: Roman Vomitoriums Enabled Overindulgence
When envisioning lavishly reclining patricians enjoying never-ending feasts, it seems logical they'd require on-demand vomitoriums enabling continuance from one meal directly into the next. Yet no dedicated barf halls existed in ancient Rome. Vomitoriums instead referred to entrance/exit passageways through multi-tiered coliseum seating radially spewing out spectators post-gladiator matches.
So while orgies of eating and drinking occurred among decadent Roman elites, tactical purging did not. Their continual indulgence eventually caused obesity, gout and death at young ages instead. Yet the misconception still nauseates history.
Myth #3: Spartans Threw Weak Babies Off Cliffs
Cinematic depictions show Sparta's warrior culture precipitously hurling sickly infants into the abyss to weed out physical inadequacy. But would the world's fiercest regimented fighting force really murder its own future manpower so wantonly?
In reality, evidence suggests a ceremonial Brazen Bull ritual where babies were symbolically placed upon a hilltop representing life’s hardness. Priests then issued verdicts on an infant’s likelihood of surviving harsh military upbringing. Strong babies remained in Sparta while priests recommended weak ones receive communal upbringing instead. So Sparta proved harsh, but never actually flung their future legions off terra firma.
Myth #4: Nero Fiddled While Rome Burned
When the Great Fire of 64 AD incinerated three-quarters of Rome over six days, legend tells of deranged Emperor Nero sauntering to his penthouse balcony where he fiddled with songs extolling the destruction as the city smoldered.
Beyond the suspicious unlikelihood that an emperor witnessed disaster front row amidst panicked evacuations, the oft-cited fiddle instrument did not even exist in 1st century AD Rome. References to Nero's musical talents on the distinctly European vielle a European bowed stringed instrument used in the medieval period 4 centuries later got absurdly translated into “fiddling.” His relief efforts involved personally funding recovery programs to house Rome’s displaced population. While Nero made for a dysfunctional despot in other ways, falsely dramatized tales unfairly cemented his villainous legacy.
Myth #5: The Pyramids Were Built By Hebrew Slaves
Cecil B. DeMille’s The Ten Commandments immortalized the Hollywood image of ancient Hebrews straining under the cracking whips of Egyptian taskmasters to quarry pyramids block-by-stone in the blistering heat until Moses comes and sets them free. Yet extensive archeological examination reveals construction instead relied on skilled Egyptian seasonal laborers superiority at organization, engineering, and stone-cutting – who took great pride in their craftsmanship.
Many willfully worked decades on projects for good income, administrative titles, tax breaks, and guaranteed superior burials close to godlike pharaohs. Labor center settlements reveal well-developed nearby infrastructure too, upending notions of destitute transient slavery. While forced work cannot be fully ruled out, records strongly indicate expert Egyptian masons and carpenters mainly built among humankind’s greatest wonders.
Myth #6: Cleopatra Was the World's Most Beautiful Seductress
No cinematic siren throughout Hollywood history epitomizes dangerous glamour more than Elizabeth Taylor’s sultry 1963 Cleopatra, vamping her way through political intrigue to bewitch Julius Caesar and Mark Antony. From poster artwork airbrushing Cleopatra as Victoria’s Secret model precursor to Shakespearean portrayals of her flawless mystique enslaving powerful men, popular notions forget Cleopatra’s power stemmed from formidable intelligence, not looks.
Contemporary reports suggest Cleopatra instead bore little resemblance to busty movie icons. Plutarch depicted her as relatively slight in appearance, while coins bear a pronounced aquiline nose. Yet she spoke nine languages, showed formidable wit at policymaking, authored medical/philosophic texts, and exuded an effortless regal charm. Enslaving Rome came through character...not cup size. Which proves brains ultimately topple beauty.
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